Two angels, a demon, and the Winchesters walk into a bar
by Ford.Ye.Fiji
Summary: Misunderstandings abound (and tbh it's mostly Dean's fault with his shoot first, ask questions later attitude) but in the end, despite everyone's best efforts, everything turns out alright.


"Crowley, Crowley, dear. Let's not do anything rash now."

Crowley snapped, a hand outstretched with fingers splayed as if to stop someone, "Rash? _Rash?_ Angel, you call my reaction rash?"

One of the men standing across from them spoke nervously. The man was nervous because he and his companion were held up against the wall by that pesky demonic power, "Well-"

Crowley turned on the two stunned figures, gnashing his teeth, "You! You two, whoever you are, you do not get to ssssspeak to him!"

"Crowley!" Aziraphale's scolding tone caught his attention.

Crowley immediately turned to face the angel, "What?" Aziraphale sighed, huffing, "Crowley. They _meant_ well."

Aziraphale wiggled his fingers, perhaps half enticing him, "Why don't you just release me and then we can go home... Perhaps catch a spot of dinner?"

Crowley's brows furrowed. His nose wrinkled as he examined Aziraphale again, seeing the weariness he'd been hiding. The chair couldn't have been comfortable, especially not surrounded by the lethal ring of fire that was flickering distressingly close to the angel's shoes. The demon's lips thinned as his eyes lingered on the blood staining his best friend's white curls and dripping down his forehead.

He sighed and snapped his fingers with his free hand. The flames were immediately extinguished. Aziraphale hurriedly miracled away his restraints. He stood, rubbing his wrists, "Well, there we go, Crowley, see? I'm quite alright. Now perhaps we can go-"

Crowley shook his head, "Oh no, angel. We are _not_ going." He turned to face the two men, "Now who the hell are you?"

Aziraphale coughed and Crowley huffed, but he reluctantly lowered his hand. The men sagged, coughing. The taller of the two straightened warily, "I'm Sam and this is uh, this is my brother Dean."

Dean's fingers twitched at his sides, just starting to edge into his pocket and Crowley snarled, "Don't even think about it-"

Aziraphale rested a hand gently on his shoulder, "Now, now, dear. These are obviously hunters. You know the type."

Crowley hissed, probably to disguise his sulking at Aziraphale's continued protection of the brothers. Aziraphale nodded at them cordially, though he notably did not stray from Crowley's side, "I'll have you know that we mean you no harm and that we are quite content minding our business. We're not a danger to anyone."

Crowley still stood slightly in front of and to the right of Aziraphale, "Ssssspeak for yourssself."

Aziraphale patted his shoulder knowingly.

Sam held up his hands, "Look, we're sorry. You can't be too careful these days."

Dean growled, "Sam! You can't seriously be believing this crap!" He gestured at the curious duo, "You ever heard of a good demon, Sammy? Cause I haven't."

Sam glared at his brother, "Dean! We're not exactly in a negotiable situation here."

Crowley nodded with satisfaction, "That's right. _You're not._"

Aziraphale shook his head, "Look, we're really quite harmless-"

Dean stared at him, words dripping with disbelief, "_Seriously?_"

A deep harsh voice interrupted any other possible exchange between the four of them, "Dean, what's going on?"

Crowley and Aziraphale turned to see a dark haired man in a suit and tan trenchcoat. His brows furrowed at the two of them and he tilted his head glancing at them before eyeing the brothers with slight admonishment, "You said you needed help."

Dean brightened, "Cas! Finally what took you so long?"

Crowley looked from him and then to the only entrance to the room behind the hunters, "How on earth did you get in here?"

'Cas' ignored him, more annoyed at Dean than worried, "You know that I am extremely busy leading the armies of heaven against Raphael. I _have_ told you this."

Aziraphale blinked, "I beg your pardon? What's Raphael done now?"

Cas finally looked at him, his lax shoulders tensing, "You... you are of the host?"

At Aziraphale's questioning glance, Crowley looked between them and shrugged, "I don't recognize him."

"I am Castiel, an angel of the Lord."

Aziraphale brightened almost immediately, "Castiel! My dear boy!" He turned to Crowley, "Oh, you remember him, don't you?" He looked downright pleased. The furrow between Castiel's brows deepened.

Dean and Sam glanced at each other. Aziraphale clapped his hands, "Oh, yes! Crowley, Castiel! One of the youngest! Angel of Thursday!"

Crowley shrugged, and sputtered, "I ah um... sorry angel, I don't..."

Aziraphale fixed the demon with a disapproving frown before turning to face the other angel, "Well, Castiel, I'm Aziraphale, the Principality of England. Or former, now, probably."

Castiel blinked, and miraculously, his rigid posture softened, "Yes, I remember. I had heard of your... disobedience." He tilted his head in apology, "We were not allowed to talk of it."

Aziraphale beamed, "Oh my dear boy that's alright."

Castiel sighed, "I'm sorry that we cannot talk more, the civil war-"

Crowley stepped in at that moment, "Actually, I'd like to hear more about that. We haven't really been up to speed with everything, honestly."

Castiel frowned distrustfully, "Who are you?"

Dean chose that moment to interject, "Oh, Cas. That's _Crowley_."

Castiel straightened, eyes flashing, words suddenly stiff with steel, "_Crowley-?_"

Aziraphale shook his head at them, "Crowley? That's not how it's pronounced." The demon held up his hands as an angel blade dropped into the seraph's hand, "Now hold on a minute-"

Castiel's eyes narrowed as he took a step forward. Aziraphale stepped between them, pushing Crowley behind him this time. Unfortunately he missed the salt Dean flung desperately at Crowley who hissed and danced away.

Aziraphale whirled and gaped, "Please stop!"

Castiel seemed unsure but Dean was still determined, "Sam, go get the holy water!"

Aziraphale stiffened and the windows banged open, light bulbs shattering, voice quavering on the knife's edge of celestial wrath, "_I said stop!_"

Dean and Sam froze. Castiel eyed the Principality warily.

Aziraphale huffed as he put his hands on his hips, "Thank you. Now, will everyone stop reaching for weapons at the drop of a hat! I, for one, think it's rather barbaric. First, you two," he glared disappointedly at Sam and Dean, "attack me at lunch, kidnap me, and then interrogate me about some strange killings that I know nothing about! I think I was being very reasonable and understanding about the whole mess." He turned to fix Castiel with a disappointed eye, "Now, everyone is getting upset again about my best friend being a demon, which is very prejudiced." Aziraphale wasn't able to keep the slight whine out of his voice, "He's _quite_ soft I assure you-" Crowley scoffed at that but Aziraphale continued over him, "And thirdly, its Cr-_oh_-ley not Cr-_ow_-ley. There _is_ a difference. One is a very bothersome crossroads demon and the other is an experienced tempter of an altogether different and _superior_ caliber. _Clearly_ this is yet another misunderstanding and I would appreciate it if you took the time to _think_ before attempting to kill us, because I assure you, you would not make it that far!"

Aziraphale huffed and crossed his arms as if to say 'so there.' Crowley stared at him before grinning, "Of a superior caliber? My, was that a compliment, angel?"

"Do not start, I am _quite_ cross, Crowley."

Dean turned to his brother, "I take it back, _he's_ scarier."

Sam's brows furrowed with distress, "I think I actually feel kind of bad."

Castiel sheathed his angel blade, voice rough, "It's... unorthodox."

Aziraphale waved his hands at the two brothers behind him, "And this isn't?" He shook his head, "I know heaven, Castiel. They would not approve of your friendship with these two, they've become even more rigid after we stopped the apocalypse a few years ago-"

Dean interrupted them, "Hold on, what? You two stopped the apocalypse?"

Aziraphale reddened, "No, no you're right. After the _anti-christ_ stopped the apocalypse-"

Dean blinked and Sam held up a hand, "Wait wait, the what now?"

Crowley shrugged, "The anti-christ. We helped, but only a tiny bit."

Aziraphale hummed, "Oh! We should go see him, it's been a few years, I wonder how he's doing?"

Crowley wrinkled his nose, "Nah, I'm sure Adam is fine."

"Wasn't he going to Oxford?"

Crowley scratched his head, "I think? One of those anyway."

"I do believe I've forgotten."

"How could we _forget_ about Adam, dear-"

Dean interrupted them, "Wait hold up, _we_ stopped the apocalypse! We fought the horsemen and everything!"

Crowley's lips pursed, "...And when was this?"

"...last year?"

Aziraphale turned to Crowley, "They tried again?"

Crowley shrugged, "Mm, not surprised, I mean they were very determined. And they were probably hoping they'd have more luck in America. I mean, you _are_ the Principality of England."

Aziraphale hummed, "Right. Who is in charge of the colonies, my dear boy?"

Dean sputtered, "It's states not colonies-"

Sam nudged him with an elbow, "_Dean_."

Crowley clucked his tongue a few times, electing to ignore the brothers completely as he stuffed his hands in his pockets and shrugged, "Honestly? I have no idea. Every time I went to America I tried to lay low."

Castiel interrupted, "She was killed some time ago. Raphael was not pleased that she did not wish to restart the Apocalypse."

Aziraphale's brows furrowed, "...You said _Raphael_ is in charge now?"

Castiel nodded, "Mostly. There are a number of angels who are fighting against him, but more of our brothers and sisters die every day."

Crowley sniffed, "Well they deserve it."

Aziraphale swatted his arm, "Crowley!"

"What? They do!"

Dean nodded grudgingly, "He's right. Angels are dicks."

Sam glared at his brother, "Dean!"

Castiel's eyes had hardened, "Since you don't need me and never needed me, I should go-"

Aziraphale helped up a hand, "Wait, you can't just go." He sighed and looked pleadingly up at Crowley who glanced down, and then did a double take, "What? Oh, angel, you can't be serious-"

Aziraphale stepped forward, addressing Castiel, "My dear boy. I can tell that you seem to be quite tired. Perhaps we could be of some assistance."

Castiel blinked, "You... you would do that?"

Crowley snarled, "Well, fine. You're trying to save the world, yes?"

Castiel reluctantly answered him, "...Yes."

Crowley stepped up to stand next to Aziraphale, "Well we happen to like earth very much and we'll help, I suppose. If we must."

Aziraphale sent him a chiding glare, "Crowley, we do happen to be living on the earth as well. Anyone would be a fool not to want to save it."

Dean and Sam shuffled their feet awkwardly behind them.

Crowley smiled sardonically at Castiel, "Well then, you heard him. Take us to the archangel."

Sam spoke up, "Wait, you guys need to be careful, Raphael is an archangel-!"

The supernatural trio looked at them, Castiel quizzically, Aziraphale with confusion and Crowley with a grin that sharpened as he looked at them over the rim of sunglasses.

Dean grimaced at the snake eyes staring back at him as the demon spoke, "My angel, here, happens to be a Principality."

Castiel added quietly, "I believe the last Principality, now."

Aziraphale's brows furrowed at that but Crowley continued, "And Principalities? They happen to _outrank_ archangels."

Sam shook his head, "But seraphim outrank archangels and, no offense Cas, they're not exactly..."

Dean shrugged, "They're not exactly capable of taking the piss out of Raphael."

Aziraphale turned to Cas delightedly, "You're a seraph, now?"

Castiel nodded once, "Yes."

"How on earth did you manage that?"

The seraph shuffled uncomfortably, "I, uh, I died."

Aziraphale seemed even more concerned, "Oh dear, what on earth happened?"

Crowley shook his head, "Never mind that. Principalities outrank Archangels. Aziraphale can kick Raphael's a-"

Aziraphale shook his head, "Crowley I'm not sure if you're being entirely accurate." He added to the brothers almost as if he was sharing a secret with them, "I didn't really realize I was one until quite recently."

Crowley seemed eager to go, "Yes, angel, shall we get on with it? I want to see Raphael's face when you show up."

Aziraphale's brows drew downwards, "Crowley..."

The demon nudged his shoulder, "C'mon... tell me that you wouldn't be just a little delighted at getting revenge after his deportable treatment of you?"

Aziraphale blinked, as if he hadn't really thought about it. His small smile took a conspiratorial edge, "...Well, perhaps just a little."

Crowley grinned, "Well that settles it! Let's go teach an archangel a lesson!" He held out a hand, "If you would, Castiel?"

Castiel, however discomfited by the whole exchange, nodded. He was grateful for the help. He hadn't had much of it all and at least these two would be better than the other Crowley and his purgatory plan.

The three of them vanished abruptly with barely more than a fluttering of feathers.

Dean blinked before he turned to his equally confused and surprised brother, "Well. That was... Actually, what the hell just happened?"

Sam shook his head, "Honestly? I don't know."

Dean harrumphed, "Well. Fine, whatever. We're not dead and I guess they're not dead. That leaves me with one problem."

Sam frowned, "What?"

Dean patted his pockets for the key to the Impala, "I'm hungry."

Sam scoffed, "Really?"

Dean glared at him, "Yeah really. Now c'mon, Sammy, there was a shop just for pie a few miles back. Let's hustle!"

Sam shook his head and sighed, but followed his brother anyway.


End file.
